The water droplets on my skin from the shower are now getting faster, there is a certain beat in the water hitting my body. There is a melody I hear in my mind, this must be how good thoughts feel like. How it feels to appreciate the skin I live in.
The parchments, the patches, the lines, the bruises, the scars are not visible at all. The soap laden body feels soft and tender. For a while I do not remember all that it is hiding.
As the water takes away the lather, I feel the dirt beneath my skin eroding, disappearing. It is easing the discomfort, pleasing my soul somewhere and this moment feels like forever. I swipe the steam from the mirror and check my face, there are a few blotches that appear finer now, some wrinkles around the eyes. I did not realize I had started developing crow feet now. My skin feels dried out. The shower was too long, I guess.
Even the mirror feels shy when I look into it. I see what is there. I do not like it.
I wonder what could have happened if there was a skin very fine, the bruises never existed, may be there were circumstances for the bruises to occur but what would have happened if there were no such circumstances at all? I try to hide them but I cannot. It is not even like I wear it on my skin but on my soul and my soul is naked for everyone to see.
What do I wear, the make up or the clothes more. I prefer black better. Let me see how I feel.
I feel florals and pastels. The yellows, corals, peaches.They elevate my spirit.
These are not that I need after all, I say. I want a good life. What matters in the end is not the body but the soul that gives happiness and receives in return. A free soul from the shackles of what people think is perfect. I want a job that I enjoy doing, I want to travel the world, see the people I love happy, do something for somebody randomly. I have a bucket list with a hundred things undone. Those are the things that define me. Those are the things that make me, me and if people want to perceive me based on the skin I live in and the body I carry, then I will not have any other word than pity for them.
I am lean, they call me anorexic, bulimic, superficial, vain, mean.
I am fat, they call me lazy, ugly, careless, useless.
I weighed above 60 kgs. a few years back, reducing to 49 kgs has been a great task for me. I put on that weight because of eating disorder and then reducing was a herculean task. No I was not born with a perfect body. I have to get my limbs waxed more than others, but so what?
I suffered from acne till there was no space on my face left, that left me marks, but so what? I did not have a clear face. Okay.
I have self harm cuts on my forearm. I’ve cut myself because I wanted to feel something and the only thing I could feel was pain and I was glad at least I felt something. I cut myself because I wanted to release an untold pain, an unreleased burden in me that I could not otherwise, to people.
I have stretchmarks due to gaining and losing of weight.
I lost teeth and now am on dentures, The world doesn’t know that. It doesn’t need to.
I have a degree that most of the other kids don’t. I went to college, when some could not. I was shifting jobs when some hardly found one. I was running around shopping malls, and online shopping sites when the credit limit on my card was overflowing.
I have eaten more and less than I ought to. Slept more or less than I was supposed to and talked more or less than I ever intended to.
But what makes me different from the rest, in the same manner that they are different from me is that I have that zeal to achieve and not lose hope. I am mostly the one who consoles people when they are troubled. NO most of them don’t know I have been troubled too. No not all of them know that I have a story too, like all of us do.
I have had to work hard to achieve this body, have had to work really hard to keep my body and soul together, have had to fix the broken pieces more than I had to, have had to go that extra mile even to get what was rightfully mine, have had to sacrifice and compromise believing there is a lesson in everything, have had to believe when there was nothing left to believe in, have had to stay alive, just continue breathing when that seemed next to impossible. have had to take care of people who I looked for support from, have had to see how the mighty fall and bear the collateral damage, have had to stay alive because dying did not seem like an option, have had to go to bed praying and crying to the pillow to change my life the next morning when I woke up.
NO all girls do not get everything they want. some get it the hard way, it is called by achieving it. some girls are not just sugar and spice and all things nice, and not all girls are bitches, some are hardcore women. There are girls who have stories deeply embedded in them and that they cannot share with other people. Some are depressed but what is depression? some call it a mental problem, I say it is just sadness over a situation that they cannot get over because nobody really understand. yes we cannot understand every pain in the world for we have not experienced the same kind, but God gives pain to everybody and this should bring all of us together in helping and being there for each other, irrespective of experiences and circumstances but just emotions and humanity.
Yes, this is an article keeping all the girls in mind who might have felt so and such at one point of their lives. Yes this article consists some of my personal experiences too. Yes life gives us lessons. This is for girls especially because the girls are more idealistic and romantic than men and body shaming happens a lot more within girls than boys. But again regardless of gender, pain, love, hurt etc are emotions that we all experience and these experiences make us all one, make us all equals.