If you have sat through an entire day wondering what your purpose is in life, you would also know how difficult it really is to find the answer. I came to realize that my search, rather quest was not a quarter or any measurable crisis, my quest is my identity. I have been reading, asking, question, seeking, and also receiving all types of opinions on how and why this life is the way it is. I mostly, pondered on why my life was especially the way it was. The people I met, the souls I like to call everybody. The messages, that religion conveys, God men, movies, soap operas, etc have played an influential role. The voices that have come to me are a way for me to know and accept. Not all that comes to me is good, but how I turn it in the end is what is mine.
So, I am also guessing that if I feel this, there must be plenty of other people who feel or have felt this way already.
Then what does one do? Does one keep on going forward or whatever one wants, is what one does, so that one can be.
Let me talk about relationships for a while, I believe I am a good friend. I also feel I am a better friend than a lover. My thoughts on a love relationship is narrow and plain, but I am an idealist too, so there might be chances of bipolarity. I am a crazy girlfriend, in plain and simple words. Someday, I do hope to be married and have children but I love my solitary life, my loner life, and keeping my thoughts to myself. I am not very good at communicating. If I have to explain something, I get tired and start taking the other person to be stupid for having me explain, as a result of which there is a conflict. I cannot share happiness or sorrow easily, neither can I apologize or make up the way somebody would do. May be my personality depends on my mood, heavily. I love my space. My timing, doing things at my will or not. I must sound really selfish.
However, reiterating, the purpose of life, still remains, so 23 and counting, and I do not know how much more do I have to mention my age, but I hope you can feel the tension. This feels so much easier, you know, writing and writing has been my only solace ever since I was a child. This could be my purpose actually.
I once consulted a shrink once. I asked her why I felt that very less people understood me? She replied,” They do not have to understand you, only you have to understand yourself.” I was taken aback at that wise advice, and I was amazed. I came home, took a shower and relaxed myself. All the while, her words echoed in my mind. I kept on repeating, ” Only I have to understand myself.” By the time I had dinner, I was tired and the night was calm and windy, so I went to the balcony, lit a cigarette and looked at the sky as I puffed away the smoke smoothly from between my teeth.
I reckoned, “If only I understood myself, then there would be nobody in my life, I would go away and grow distant from people, because I would obviously start taking them for fools and me as a better one than them.”
I, for one, am such a person who cannot stay away from people. It depresses me. I need to keep in touch with souls. Not via social network or a phone or text but physically, I like talking to people, meeting and greeting but I have my days when I do not want to, those are the days I want to think and connect with the Divine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t met people in about two weeks now.
You know, when rejection slams you on your face, you feel bitter, the taste of rejection is bitter than bile. But it leaves an experience. That taste makes you crave for something sweet. That same taste makes you hungry to succeed. The experience you experience when you prepare that makes you unbeatable, that is when you take your victory lap. The journey is unimaginable, nobody knows. no body has an idea. I myself don’t have an idea about my own life. May be this is why everything becomes interesting and the thrill is what we live for, despite all odds, I would still want to know how my story ends if not anything else.