In a fuzzy crowd!

So long since I have been able to keep my head strong
In the fuzzy crowd, I see a stranger, Asking for alms.
I buy him a ticket and hand him some money,
I hope he makes it home.
Inexplicably, comes a gust of feelings so hard,
Rejoicing I cannot contain myself,
Lucky I consider those who have the shelter,
With a protection to keep them forever.

Naught is what I have, looking for principles, I came to a climax
The world called them elders,
Some called them family,
Some called them fathers.

A patriarchal society one would call.
I feel an anchor,
That needs a reckon.
A guide, a rudder, a pilot.

Influences or inspirations,
I derive, in the way to give it back to them.
No hurt, no pain, no shame.
Happiness in their name.
An environment for them to breathe,
A park for them to stroll,
A garden to feel,
A memory to cherish,
A montage of life that they passed on.

I have seen shame in love,
No shame in violence though.
I have seen anger in hurt,
No hurt in pain though.
I have seen some of what they showed me.
I have seen the best person given by God,
I call her Mommy!

My mommy, your mommy, his mommy, her mommy.
Daddy here, daddy there, daddy somewhere.
Some spread love while some give hate.Hate produces hurt, hurt makes hate.
The world is wounded and band aids don’t help!
I long to give them love, so that they don’t make a child, a mother, a woman abused.
A son, a father, a husband bruised.

Its an elders world and what we give is what we reciprocate.
An image to carry, an idea to utilize, a world to bereave is that all that we are?
A child is the father of the man.
Soon, the father loses itself,
The child finds himself.

Time is ticking and all that we are left with will be ruins.
The oil, the gold, the money,
None of that matter, no honey
None of that matters, to save our souls.
None of that matters to save our souls!!

We Bid Our Farewells Already

A stranger on the phone asking me baby how are you?
I am stunned, there is no reply to my fume…
denial and abrasion of the truth,
lacerations in the heart, and deep gnashes to the wound…
explicit memories like thundering skies,
a million jolted thoughts with a loss of precision, mostly of time.
sometimes a kindred, sometimes a savior, sometimes, a shadow,
Persistent in chaos.

Those are the damages done by a dead man.
A breathing, talking, dead man,
Shallow and narcissistic that narcissism was put to shame.

If there were hugs to share, there would be none.
There is no emotion for the vile already done.
To the darkness already spread, one white spot is trying to dispel.
This soul longed for love. It turned vulnerable to know, to ask , to ponder,
What it feels to have an old man at home,
But to my awe,
There was psychopath lurking in the mind of a despondent. 

The pillows know more secrets than a shrink
They know more stories than a storyteller could ever tell.
Hapless mind is a creation of a boorish life,
No, there is no marvel that the devils exist in disguise.

I saw that when hope died, there is a death inside,
Deep inside, may be it was a fracture, or maybe it was a heartbreak.
A lifeless life.
How pathetic it is now to state,
A life giver was the cruelest form of creation, an example.
It seems useless, the tears shed,
the deaths died and one day a sudden emancipation liberates.

Yes it liberates.

madonna

Surrogate Family

I pull my hair back and tie it to a top knot, gaze at the ceiling like it just offended me and roll my eyes over to the computer screen and just then this quote comes lurking into my mind, ” Maybe, our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with” – Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City). It might repel a few people who are not followers of the hyped “SATC” but this quote brought me to one conclusion that I have already made in my life and that is my friends.
I feel I have already made such friends in my life who I need for my entire lifetime in the same way they need me in theirs and I do not think any other thing in this world will ever be able to suffice them or take their place. Now talking about guys, men, partners etc, I cannot say they are there for fun, typically, but for a person like me they are there but incomparable to the friends we have. In some instances, the partners might turn out to be great friends and best friends too, but soul mates, I think that goes straight to the friends. In my case I have girlfriends and guy-friends equally. They are my support system. They are family.

A little detail into their personalities, or a small introduction. I have four to five friends who know everything about me. Every little detail. May be I like being honest or transparent, it is moreover, my love for them that makes me let them know my inner side, aspect or let them see my naked soul. These people have been with me since I cannot even pin down the time frame to. I do not like being the one who is overbearing and over sharing so I keep it low and shut sometime, but they will think I am upset or sad and will not let me stay quite even a bit. I have been this quirky and you can say noisy, or ice breaker most of the time so I think that precedes my silent nature. Now skipping to my soul mates.

One friend is the forever single one, she has never been in a relationship yet gives the most sorted and thoughtful advice ever. She is a generous and loving soul. Her wisdom and simplicity have always told me that no matter how high and how far and how distant one might want to go, one can never forget one’s roots. She has always helped me stay humble and grounded. She is an aspiring teacher, I am sure she will inspire many and touch many lives of others the way she has touched mine. If silence can travel and reach the exact heart you want it to reach and hope you will be heard in the exact same way you want to be heard, not anything more and not a word less, it reaches her in my life. She understands the silence. There is no other way I could sum up this relationship.

What do I tell about the other one, she is a mixture of ambiguity and innocence, wisdom and confusion, strength and weakness, she is so me yet so different. If ever I am stuck somewhere at 4 in the morning, she will be the one I am going to call and she will answer the phone and come see me. An adventurous soul but fragile in her actions. Sometimes I wish I was as thoughtful as her because a person like her can never do anybody wrong. Just no body. She is a writer but for me she is an epitome of strength and inspiration. She is more than what words can sum up. I have seen plenty of people who turn bitter and resentful and full of scorn when life hits hard, but she has blossomed and turned empathetic, she has been loving and caring. She is this comfort one looks for in times of despair, not only because she will have the right things to lift you up but because she knows, because she has felt.

The craziest common thing between these two friends and me is that all three of us share our birthday on the same date. How common is that? This friendship of ours has always startled me because I have not seen best of friends share the same birthday.

There is just so much more about them that makes me tear up, makes me ecstatic, so many memories, thoughts, silence, and love that were shared and still is silently. All three of us are so different in nature yet similar somewhere. We do not talk everyday, but we are always connected. Its beautiful.

I have best friends who are a couple like Lily and Marshall ( I hope you got the reference). These people are so different to one another, One is an outlaw and the other is a wannabe perfectionist. I call her the wannabe because if life hadn’t taken certain tolls on her she would have been this perfectionist and chic girl who always had it her way. She is courage for me. [No, not the cowardly dog] She is currently working as a teacher and wishes to do something else in life, until she figures out what exactly is that let me talk about my go to guy, her boyfriend.
He is the man I would run to when I want to run into somebody, may be for a drink, or coffee or fun. But mainly because sometimes, his presence is all that I need. I have known him all through college and we actually met outside college when we were late for a class together. We were not supposed to attend one class but the conversation took the entire day and we bunked all the classes.

A few days later I showed him to his girlfriend, with whom I had been friends with recently, and they both jelled and started dating shortly. Years earlier, she had had a crush on him, of which he was so unaware of until I told him. I played cupid, and thankfully it worked out well. He is a singer, songwriter, a musician. He is a wonderful soul. I thought he was laid back and irresponsible but I learned that for people who do not get things the easier way, it is best to wait until things start falling into place so that one can take a stand somewhere. He brought such wisdom into me that I am sure even he does not know. He made me believe in Time, in living without ego, in smiling and laughing out loud, in living.

And I have another special one, he is really a crazy personality. He is a closet poet, a thinker and basically a very shy person who does not talk much but talks a lot with his friends, I am sure most of us have had or still have one such friend, who is also an expert in pervert jokes ans sexism. He is a good soul, just a foul mouth. NA! I’m kidding, but I could not be also. He is still pursuing his education and meanwhile he is also figuring why he is lazy and why he procrastinates and when is he going to be ready until its showtime, for his career, his life choices, his life. He is a dreamer.
He has an insight into many things that would take me ages to explain to somebody else, but he would understand it soon enough. When he is around, it is always a good time, but when I am having a bad time, with him, it is bearable enough, because he can make me smile.

I just realized this post will be so incomplete if I miss out one character who came into my life like a thunder and reflected one aspect of me that I was unknown to myself. She is a dentist by profession, also sings, composes, plays the piano and enjoys life to the fullest. I met her at the musician friend I told you above’s house. I usually missed out a lot of friendly gatherings but this one I made it to and this very evening I met her and started flirting with her, she coyly smiled and enjoyed the attention, while later had rebuked her boyfriend. Nonetheless, that did not stop me. I flirted with her shamelessly. To clear the air, I am not interested in women and neither is she. This was a one time thing. Since then we have become great pals. What all do I say about this phenomenal girl. She is a feminist, a strong headed, fierce and independent woman but vulnerable and gullible, loving and caring and above all, the one to fight with her mother and packing away her belongings in the middle of the night for me. Reasons may be left away now. But yes she is that person, who loves openly and knows no other way. She is adamant at times, and bit too dominating, but she is real deal.

A career she has yet she is looking for something else. That makes all of us seekers and believers, exactly why we are all some kind of misfits, the world does not like to know the truth about misfits, however they want them so that they can distinguish, to make a difference, to label and to ponder on what should be and what should not.

All of us haven’t had the best of things, the best of days, and the best of experiences, mostly because of choices some by somebody else, society and mindset, probably because we live in India but mainly because we were surrounded by devils that did not have horns and ghosts who did not hide behind the doors and come out after the lights were turned off, instead, they lived with us, bred on our souls and ate our thoughts. We are lucky we survived, we came out and in some ways are still coping up with the trauma but we have reconciled and understand that the bigger picture is yet for us to see and hope is alive.
I can vouch for them in the same way they can vouch for me. How lucky are those people who are born out of different families to unite through trust, love and faith? This is thicker than blood, this is what soul mate is to me and if this isn’t love then I don’t know what is.

And this is not all, I have whole lot of other friends, who love me, care for me, touch my life, my soul, have affected me and graced me with their presence. There are many instances where I will not be able to articulate how ecstatic and elevated I have been and how alive I have turned because of them. Whether hurt, pain, love, or joy they have been important in shaping me into who I am today.

together-have-it-all

Story goes on…

If you have sat through an entire day wondering what your purpose is in life, you would also know how difficult it really is to find the answer. I came to realize that my search, rather quest was not a quarter or any measurable crisis, my quest is my identity. I have been reading, asking, question, seeking, and also receiving all types of opinions on how and why this life is the way it is. I mostly, pondered on why my life was especially the way it was. The people I met, the souls I like to call everybody. The messages, that religion conveys, God men, movies, soap operas, etc have played an influential role. The voices that have come to me are a way for me to know and accept. Not all that comes to me is good, but how I turn it in the end is what is mine.

So, I am also guessing that if I feel this, there must be plenty of other people who feel or have felt this way already.
Then what does one do? Does one keep on going forward or whatever one wants, is what one does, so that one can be.

Let me talk about relationships for a while, I believe I am a good friend. I also feel I am a better friend than a lover. My thoughts on a love relationship is narrow and plain, but I am an idealist too, so there might be chances of bipolarity. I am a crazy girlfriend, in plain and simple words. Someday, I do hope to be married and have children but I love my solitary life, my loner life, and keeping my thoughts to myself. I am not very good at communicating. If I have to explain something, I get tired and start taking the other person to be stupid for having me explain, as a result of which there is a conflict. I cannot share happiness or sorrow easily, neither can I apologize or make up the way somebody would do. May be my personality depends on my mood, heavily. I love my space. My timing, doing things at my will or not. I must sound really selfish.

However, reiterating, the purpose of life, still remains, so 23 and counting, and I do not know how much more do I have to mention my age, but I hope you can feel the tension. This feels so much easier, you know, writing and writing has been my only solace ever since I was a child. This could be my purpose actually.

I once consulted a shrink once. I asked her why I felt that very less people understood me? She replied,” They do not have to understand you, only you have to understand yourself.” I was taken aback at that wise advice, and I was amazed. I came home, took a shower and relaxed myself. All the while, her words echoed in my mind. I kept on repeating, ” Only I have to understand myself.” By the time I had dinner, I was tired and the night was calm and windy, so I went to the balcony, lit a cigarette and looked at the sky as I puffed away the smoke smoothly from between my teeth.

I reckoned, “If only I understood myself, then there would be nobody in my life, I would go away and grow distant from people, because I would obviously start taking them for fools and me as a better one than them.”
I, for one, am such a person who cannot stay away from people. It depresses me. I need to keep in touch with souls. Not via social network or a phone or text but physically, I like talking to people, meeting and greeting but I have my days when I do not want to, those are the days I want to think and connect with the Divine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t met people in about two weeks now.

You know, when rejection slams you on your face, you feel bitter, the taste of rejection is bitter than bile. But it leaves an experience. That taste makes you crave for something sweet. That same taste makes you hungry to succeed. The experience you experience when you prepare that makes you unbeatable, that is when you take your victory lap. The journey is unimaginable, nobody knows. no body has an idea. I myself don’t have an idea about my own life. May be this is why everything becomes interesting and the thrill is what we live for, despite all odds, I would still want to know how my story ends if not anything else.

Ode to Hopelessness

I feel a bit torn down right now,  a little hopeless you may say.
I am confused between why we want good things in life and if we do, then do we out of greed or is it genuine reason of humans wanting happiness and pleasure in their lives. Also, I do not know if humans are actually born to suffer and happiness is a gust of wind on a dry sunny day? But who are the ones who actually deserve that blessed wind?

I am 23, jobless, and now I have started to question if I am worthless. Sometimes I feel I need to suffer more for I know I will rise and then it will be a story to inspire somebody. I do not know if there is God despite having a stern belief that there might be. I feel that some get everything they want without knowing what they actually want. I am confused, aren’t I?

It hurts to say the truth because there is always a fear of someone judging us, someone looking at us with a certain glare in the eyes that is somewhere judging the naked soul and suddenly one is exposed.

It hurts tremendously to know and not know how to figure out the rest of the life, if there is a life. I might be too young to decide what is the best for me already but there are a certain people who are happy, I just wish I was one of them. It is as simple and naive as it sounds to say what happiness is but it sure is what the rest of the unhappy people want and I am sure there are a lot of them.

Sometimes, a prayer does not work, sometimes belief does not, not even hope. In a nutshell, nothing works, not even God.